The Sexual Statesman, or American History BF: Portly Bookishness in the Time of Cholera

In its most common context, it is the validity and legitimacy of existence of a so-called mythical beast and its legends and tails, its sightings and stories, that must be proven; fought for. While much of this is predictably inherent in the definition of a mythical beast, it should not be taken for granted, as history has shown time and time again, that much of yesterday’s mythos and phobos is today’s casual luncheon. Similarly, much of yesterday’s fact and truth are today’s fantasy and hilarity. However, all too often are accepted facts left unquestioned, uninvestigated. Oftentimes it is not the eyewitness accounts or grainy video footage that best proves or disproves a creature’s existence, but how said creature resonates and swells in its native culture.

Bigfoot; the Sasquatch. The great North American primate of 20th century lore; an immediate associate of cryptozoology and an eagerly debunked hoax. The beast’s impact in Americana is widespread and undeniable, inspiring films, sitcoms, campfire stories, and sexual libidos alike. In our modern age of hoaxing and dehoaxing and making something out of nothing and nothing out of something, the most sound rationale we can hope to develop lies in the investigation of reasoning. So why (what) then, with no conclusive evidence presented on either side, is Bigfoot still regarded as mythical? The answer lies in the American psyche. We the People are a bold and arrogant bunch, proudly able to exalt or defile on our collective whim, as we see fit. It is therefore perfectly logical (see what I did there?) that the concept of the unhuntable, unkillable, unfindable, untaintable (but definitely not unexploitable) pariah that is the Bigfoot would be less eagerly accepted than, say, the myriad undiscovered but unchallenging lurkers of the deep Davey Jones’. The throbbing masculinity of American heteroculture cannot possibly coexist with the truth of an ever-elusive and cleverer man-mongrel in its backyard.

Now that we’ve discussed and established the necessary perspective and reasoning, I’d like to utilize an interview I’ve conducted with a true all-American and Bigfoot non-believer to bring to light a revealing, yet none too shocking, truth about the other BF: Benjamin Franklin is a hoax (Henceforth, let Bigfoot be BF+ and Benjamin Franklin be BF-). Possibly the most exalted of all American myths, the “fact” of Benjamin “The Dutiful Ambassador” Franklin’s existence holds little more substantial proof than does Bigfoot’s, arguably less. While there is videographic evidence of Bigfoot’s life, Franklin’s time within our dimensional plane is only supported by the mere ubiquity of his appearance in historical texts and documents. And nothing is subjective if not history, not to mention his supposed era’s penchant for fantastic indulgences (see: The Crucible).

But I digress. Following is abridged interview conducted with Matthew “12 Gauge” Tomljenovich, 22, native of Billings, Montana, United States of America, Earth.

When I say, “Benjamin Frankin,” what comes to mind?

“100 dollar bills. Kites. The Freemasons. The fact that he is the only person to be on money that wasn’t our president and it is on our highest currency. Interesting, huh?” Immediately we see the direct relationship between BF-‘s legacy and the very personal American financial chord, an undeniably positive association, as followed by the intrigue and fascination 12 Gauge solicits affirmation for.

Do you believe he actually existed?

“Yes, I would say he did.” This response was instantaneous, alluding to the depth which BF- permeates.

What does Benjamin Franklin mean to you?

“Capitalism. Innovation. Want me to say something more generic? Like he created electricity and is a great man of science.” Again, direct association with essential American ideologies. We also see a faith in BF-‘s godlike ability to literally create the abstract electricity, much like early folk of the Fertile Crescent (geographically, not anatomically) believed in the deity’s creation of all.

In what way does Benjamin Franklin’s legacy represent your American identity?

“His legacy created the identity. Sure, it’s changed a bit over the years, but his views were a big factor in shaping this country into what it is today.” 12 Gauge allows the changing of times to account for BF-‘s fallibility.

Let’s go more personally with that. What traits of Benjamin Franklin do you yourself admire? Which would you like manifested in your day-to-day life?

“He was, of course, a ladies’ man. Umm. Obviously he was quite good at getting what he wanted. I mean, he got the rank of the hundred dollar bill. He took what he wanted, was a creative problem solver, and had many female partners. What more could you ask for? I mean, sounds like a good life to me.” This is, perhaps, the climax. Again we see BF- directly linked with American prosperity, but this time in juxtaposition with his prowess in the provocative, another key element in the United machismo. 12 Gauge’s final comment, on the surface, is a simple opinion, but its comparative nature suggests a subconscious, even denied, yearning for BF-‘s esteemed life. What is the fairytale for if not voyeur and vicarity?

If you would, compare and contrast Benjamin Franklin and Bigfoot.

“What?! Dude, I’m so tired right now. Bigfoot and Benjamin Franklin? Like seriously. I thought you were disproving James Dean. Well, not too much is known about Bigfoot. Well, neither about Benjamin either since it’s been so long. Bigfoot, all we have is stories and rumors.” 12 Gauge almost admits a parallel between the BFs, but quickly rejects it, asserting a subjective difference between the validity of their recorded histories.

What do we have of Benjamin Franklin beyond stories and rumors?

“Didn’t he sign the Declaration of Independence?”

Couldn’t anyone have done that?

“True. As far as we know it could have been one man or more like a couple that signed a bunch of names to make it seem to the British that they were more powerful than they were. I mean they could have been bluffing. I would if I were trying to scare a higher and stronger opponent.” An admission! Tellingly followed by the rationale and acknowledgement of a likemindedness with the folk of the myth’s originating era that likely persuades his favor of BF-.

At this point, the interview eroded into ribble-rabble.

Throughout the course of the interview, a tension is palpable. While drawing into question BF-‘s existence at an early stage precipitated this, it was crucial device in exposing the folkish faith and positive American associations that clause the BF- legend. It was necessary to get 12 Gauge off-guard; down to brass (no) ta(xation without representation)cks, as they say.

While there is yet no definitive way to determine whether or not either BF truly exists or existed, the striking contrast in their cultural resonance clearly signifies a disparity in potential truths. Coupling tangible evidence with investigative psychology, it is only logical (did it again!) that the all-too prevalent American denial has veiled its people from the more founded of two speculations.